Coping with the in-between

By Dr. Batya L. Ludman, Psy.D., FT · Published November 10, 2023

How am I today, I wonder as I check in with my body. Did I say today? Oops no, right now that sounds way too long. How am I in this minute? This very minute? That is much better.

The goal of terrorism is to try and terrorize us. For most of us, we are not actually "in" danger but are rather worrying about danger. That said, I try and remind myself to be mindful. I remind myself that in this minute I really am safe and okay, and this approach along with a few healthy breaths, and at times a soothing hand on my hand does the trick.

If you are having trouble sleeping, are eating too much, or can't look at food, if you are teary at the drop of a hat, can't focus or concentrate, don't remember what day or month it is or where you were when, and jump at a sound that feels like it might just be the beginning of a siren or a boom, your reactions, while they don't feel at all good, are absolutely normal in these very abnormal times. You are not going crazy. It just may feel like it as you are probably feeling dysregulated or "off balance".

Given that many of you reading this have never been through anything as difficult as this war, and are finding it hard to feel safe in your own body let alone your world, it is important to acknowledge your level of stress and dis--ease. With things literally coming at us from all directions, how can we not be feeling it? This in itself is okay. Please God, this will all end, and end well, but not soon enough for any of us. In addition to our prayers for our hostages and our loved ones, we all pray never to have to go through this again.

In the past three plus weeks we have all managed to do okay and cope as we look around and appreciate too many stories that would be almost humorous if they were not unfortunately true. Our worries are not like those in other parts of the world. Writing them down or telling others may take out some of the sting and enable us to see if not the humor, the bizarreness of it all. Who makes an evacuation plan from a kiddie pool or the local park with two young children should a siren go off? Who plans outings around when a siren "might" go off and who wonders when is the best time to go to the bathroom based on the same lack of information? What senior citizen has to think about how they are going to get up off the ground on the side of the road where they laid down when the siren went off while they were driving? I'm sure you have your own stories that bear witness to this time.

I spend a lot of my time doing grief and bereavement counselling these days. Sadly, too many of us have been to not one or two, but many funerals. What stage are we in, I ask myself? Don't quote me on this but it's best to say for many of us, we are in the "neither here nor there" stage. We can acknowledge that we are in a very uncomfortable place at the moment, and in many ways this is adaptive but how and when will it end? It is not in sight just yet and this is extremely hard on everyone. Often, we can handle things in the short term but when they stretch out for what seems like an endless amount of time, an eternity in fact, it becomes that much more difficult to cope, day after day. We feel exhausted and drained but at times have too much energy and too much on our mind.

We may revisit that initial disbelief and the sense of surreal we felt in the early days, but unfortunately as reality has started to sink in, it has created yet another type of "hard" to deal with. We are grieving individually and collectively for so many things - both very big and very small. But, in part, even though we may have lost loved ones, our homes and even our whole community and already have attended many funerals and shivas during this war, much of our grieving will be delayed as we are not yet done with this war. Having no idea how long it will be or even how far we are into the war, it is not yet "safe" to fully grieve. That time will come. We may be very sad and feel these tremendous losses, but there are so many and they are so close in time, one after the other, that it is at times almost impossible to comprehend. We thought as we went through three years of COVID-19, we were living in unprecedented and very difficult times, but that seems to pale by comparison for many right now. All we want is a sense of normalcy back – to be in control, to feel safe, not feel exhausted or overwhelmed and to love our loved ones as we once did.

In spite of these days, it is extremely important to remember and remind yourself that this war too shall end. Hopefully sooner, more successfully and with fewer losses than our already shocked brain can imagine. Whether you have lost someone, are worried about someone, are waiting for news, have a totally disrupted schedule or no schedule at all, you are probably grieving, with your entire body, in ways you never thought possible. Because we are still in the middle of things, you may not even be able to start to grieve because for whatever reason, you are being asked to or need to hold it together for others. Your job right now, is to get through your day as best as you can.

One way to hold it together is to be there for yourself as best as you can. If something will not be good for you, don't do it. I have debriefed many people in the last three weeks who have had willing or unwilling graphic exposure to some horrific sights, sounds and smells. I can't suggest strongly enough that you take a break from this, unless you are forced to or have a good reason to keep your exposure level high. Turn off the television, put down your phone, and listen to the news only once or twice a day. Try and put yourself on a need-to-know basis. Your nervous system will thank you for it.

While none of us are in a party mood, you may find yourself having lots of energy in your body that needs to be released. Whether you hit the pavement for a run, do jumping jacks or an exercise video at home, meet up with a trusted friend who makes you feel good, help someone out, volunteer, learn with others, write up your stories, sing, paint, cook, bake, meditate or pray, try and see what your body needs in order for you to relax and turn off, even for a short period of time. You must refuel. You owe it to yourself and to those around you.

Elisabeth Kubler- Ross has talked about the various stage of grief. While we may still be in shock over the enormity of the situation, none of us living here can deny that we are at war. In fact, it's not uncommon to vacillate between lethargy and anger. Recognize that although your feelings are legitimate, some may have no place at the moment and you may be forced to put them on the back burner. This is especially true in the case of anger.

As we deal more and more with the hostages and the underground tunnels, the well-being of our precious soldiers, our daily sanity and that of our children and grandchildren, we need to remind ourselves that each person's grief is their own and each is legitimate. No one person's story is easier to bear or trivial. Every person brings to this war their own personal story – whether in the present or from a previous trauma or even a history of intergenerational trauma with family who have been through the Holocaust and thought never again. Whether you live in Israel or in the diaspora, your history of previous loss will contribute to how you are coping today. Our goal for now is to be in the present whenever and however we can be.

In this moment you may find yourself playing little mind games. You look for patterns as we all want to plan and predict what our day may be like. Do more sirens really seem to be on the hour (give or take 10 minutes on each side) or is that just a bit of superstitious behavior that allows you to feel okay and actually enable you to leave your house? If you have to run an errand, do you look for the best places to pull over, or check out the nearest stairwell? If so, you are not alone. Do you remind yourself and your children to notice 5 good things (they can be small) that happened today so that you remember all the good and empower them to just notice even a small amount? Do you look around and see the tons of flags, the feeling of "together we will win" and appreciate the massive amounts of volunteering going on? In what ways have you contributed to making this past month bearable for someone else? Working to help someone else out will improve your mood and state of mind.

Finally, it is important to point out that how you view the situation will determine how you will cope.

As I write this now, I am hearing many red alerts on my phone. Thankfully they are not in my area. However just after two sirens went off in the area in which we were located, within a few short hours last night, we needed to drive an hour to our home. Yes, we said a prayer and I counted down every 5- 10 minutes that passed, and we focused on driving more quickly through more difficult areas, and we did some relaxation breathing as we drove but we did it.

If you truly believe that you not only can, but will, get through this very difficult time, you will put your energy and driven-ness to work for you. You will cope by creating meaning. You will be more positive and will find other things to focus on and give yourself hope. You will win this war personally for yourself as well as for our beloved country and Jews worldwide and you and all of us will recover.

We are resilient. This is not something to be taken lightly as things may for now feel as if they are getting worse before they start to get better.

We will work together, life will get better, and we will win this war. Please don't forget that.

A version of this article suitable for printing is available here.